Knowing Thy Self

Sometimes it obthers me a lot. I started to think do I really know myself. My highs and my lows, my positive thinking and my negetive thinking. I can't just keep bitching on my alcohol addiction and play the self blame game and get adjusted to the fact I m beyond curable. Or is the fact that I m very comfortable hurting myself and slowly degrading into the world of destruction. A day ago I had missed an accident, and I m drunk at that time. It is thy god that helped me to watch over the other side and I backed off and merely escape a hit by a train. Is it a divine warning that says, I m watching you. How is that so happened that I heard sermon and that preacher said how one of his fellow pastor died even though given multiple of chances. And I felt I am being warned. Living to the expecation of other is never achievable. I m wondering living to the standard of God(in my case YAHWEH/JESUS) is also a arduous task. It is simple to say yes I have done it and accept that I am failure. But it would never be easy to start rectifying or correcting the mistakes done by thyself. Art thou the reason why I m here. Alas all is vain says the great king solmon. Is it really vain to live , Is it really vain to strive hard and achieve something and end up in the pit that is waiting for you. Is it really useless that what ever had done , been done before and we are here because we were to be. With all those questions, how can I be righteous person?. Is it that hard?. Seriously, is it harded that those magicians learning a new trick for years to master?. Is it that hard to do con, as those con artist does with ease. Is it that harder than they been dedicatedly discipling themselves to be that master of their arts. Or it is not that hard but only the ego that would get hurt and you can't take the blame. Talking of blame, accountability is what this blaming would stop. Since talking about blaming and accountablity, Am I accountable to thyself?. Am I living upto the standard that I want to be?. Am I living the life that I passionatly belive?. I keep thinking I m a failure , when I do not live to my standards. May be that is my I m not presenting myself with new clothes, Or Some party. Drinking is meerly an escape from reality. I know it is my abode. to add to that my chat roleplay adding different kind of mentality or mindset. Answerable to thyself righteous self is the best thing I heard. Yeah, let be accountable to thy righteous self.

Healing Process

It been a while that I have focused on my psychological health. I had discovered my triggering points that leads me to take alcohol. After my talk with her. There are lots to think about and needs lot of changes. It is good that I started walking again in the mornings. Today I did not hear my alaram and missed my 5:00 AM walk time. But I did went for a small 3 rounds from 6:00 to 6:30 AM. I m trying to teach myself a habbit of walking early morning and right after waking up. No matter what time I would wake up. It is good that I be able to do that it is progresive 5th day. I m also trying to learn javascript so it is going at very slow pace. My learning curve is really really low. But at the end of the day. I am able to teach myself with new coding techniques. I see change in my wife behaviour and also my kids behaviour. Or is it that has ignored them all these days and now able to see the light. Don't know can't tell. There are lots of financial challenges, physical and psychological challenges that I need to resolve. I feel now I am getting everything under control. I can not rely on feelings, I got to do it.